Sunday, 7 July 2013
Monday, 3 June 2013
Morning Bath is set in the pre-health and safety 1980s when it was perfectly normal to go to work in a bath and remain there for the whole day. It follows the story of Mr Porter, a man who enjoys his bath so much that he never wants to get out. Although his boss is fed up with his bad timekeeping and arriving at work in a customised bath on wheels, does he sack him? No. He suggests that he makes a few adjustments to the bath, including adding a heater - totally unconcerned that his customers are being served by a naked man lying in a bath.
Samuel's verdict: Wouldn't a heater electrocute him? And he'd drip everywhere if he had to get some change from the till or something from a shelf.
Thursday, 2 May 2013
|It's another Tim and the Hidden in Grime Illustrations special|
|and is it any wonder that the book is falling apart|
|as it dates from at least the 1970s when|
Wyndgate Secondary School was around
|which means thousands of kids, some of whom are probably grandparents now, must have read|
|all of Tim's mind-numbingly boring adventures|
The Pool by the Whispering Trees (at least that's what we think it says if you squint).
Yet more evidence that the school's assertion that its school books get 'damaged quickly by little fingers' is WRONG. This one is stamped Wyndgate Secondary School. Using our amazing powers of investigation, we discovered the school closed down in the 1970s and must have been given to our primary school in...God knows when. Shortly afterwards? Or perhaps the school scavenged it from a skip along with all the others in its reading scheme?
Or maybe I'm just really stupid and misheard. It's not a reading scheme, where children are encouraged to be lifelong readers by giving them access to up to date and engaging books, but in fact a germ breeding scheme. Now everything makes sense.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
|Trouble at the Secret R by James W|
|Another levitating friend from the late 70s |
|Dodgy-looking robber foiled by dodgy-looking builder|
|But hairy monkey likes Charlie's look|
|And reconstructs poses and scenes|
Sunday, 7 April 2013
|Stinky Mandrake's Castle has seen better days - 31 years ago, perhaps, when it was first bought by the school?|
|It's a stains 'n' cellotape special|
with torn, tattered and soapy pages
so welcoming to a young reader
because not only is it delightful to touch
but it features Alan Tremaine
Who? What? Why?
(from Tim and the Hidden in Grime Illustrations series)
A double whammy of rubbishness. Gross to touch with pages so frayed and soapy that they're difficult to find, let alone turn. And the story is incredibly boring, despite Tim and his friends being locked up in a castle by creepy Mandrake. It also makes little sense when another creepy man named Alan Tremaine turns up at the end without any explanation, and invites Tim and friends into his house. Have they learnt their don't-go-into-strangers' houses-ever-again lesson? Of course not. They accept even though no-one has made any reference to this Alan Tremaine in the previous 30 odd pages. And weirder still, the writer insists on referring to him as Alan Tremaine for the remainder of the book, believing that children are fascinated by this Alan Tremaine and his every movement. So we have a whole paragraph dedicated to Alan Tremaine making a cup of tea and setting it on a table in excruciating detail. On a par with Sammy's New Yellow Jumper
Samuel's verdict: I don't like reading it. It smells. I can't find the pages to turn.
Thursday, 28 March 2013
|to find a golden egg|
where he finds one
of every colour
until he enlists some help from his friends
and at last their quest is over...a golden egg!
Except bare-faced liar of a goose denies all knowledge
and palms them off with a chocolate egg from Lidl
The Golden Egg
Despite being pictured sitting on a golden egg, the goose states: 'I do not have an egg of gold,' and even shakes her head to reiterate the point. Is this a publishing error? Or is there a more sinister explanation? Has the goose changed the words after watching all the 'cash for gold' TV adverts and is planning to sell it.
Luke's verdict: What? The rabbits and ducks know the goose is a big, fat liar. They're looking at her as if she's mad. But she's bigger than them.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
|Poor scientist is terrified of the wrath of|
|the lovely Mrs T who gives the scientist|
Monday, 18 March 2013
|These kids are wise to be wary|
|For the poems are quite scary|
But worst of all...
Every ghost and every ghoul
Is eating through this book
To find some kids to cook.